No, This is Not a Restaurant!

Many a home cook is dazzled by the sparkling execution of amazing dishes in restaurants and then they find themselves slightly disappointed when they try to recreate it at home.

Quelle surprise!

A restaurant is a professional enterprise whose goal is to make money in exchange for fine food. Your home is where you need to make food daily. There are significant differences between the two kitchens.

Firstly, there's just a question of simple energy. Unless you have a professional range stove at home, there is no way you are pumping out the BTU like that of a professional kitchen. You need power. Real power. Power that makes it hard to breathe in the heat. Most restaurant kitchens are insanely hot. So fuggedaboutit. You don't have it. Just enjoy the meal when you go out and forget about reproducing it. Certain dishes are impossible to cook at home.

Secondly, only someone who has never gone behind the scenes at the finest of professional restaurants would assume that they grind pepper out of the ludicrous pepper grinders. It's all pre-ground. The salt and pepper is sitting in large bowls which they can use to toss by the handful. And they do toss by the handful!

The single biggest difference between a restaurant and "home cooking" is that a restaurant uses vastly more salt. The CC believes that most people go for it under the rubric of "indulgence" which a spirit of abstemiousness prevents at home.

The same is true of the "fresh" spices. Pre-chopped. So are almost all of the ingredients. It's all pre-prepped and sitting in a refrigerator including the fish. Particularly the fish.

Thirdly, the idea that they are going to whip up a five-course meal for you at the drop of a pin is beyond ridiculous. Of course, it's all fuckin' pre-made. The sauces are pre-made. Everything is. How do you think you get a dish on your plate that takes hours to make within minutes?

Fourthly, it's only the last step of the execution that is left to the kids. And yes, they are kids. They are in training in the kitchen. Yes, they may have talent but no famous chef has ever made your meal not unless you are a billionaire.

Ironically, it's the third fact that cuts two ways and there are two separate lessons that one may learn from it.

The easiest way for a great home cook to compete with a restaurant is to offer meals at dinner parties which rely on speed of execution. Last minute speed where reheating would kill the product. A fancy restaurant can't compete simply because of the economics. (Incidentally, when you have great meals in Madrid, Rome, Istanbul, Mumbai and Singapore, this is the trick. The restaurants run in cheap rent districts. They are playing this game.)

The second more pragmatic version is that you need to learn what can be made ahead of time. This is crucial to greatness in the home kitchen.

So go ahead. Say it already. Liberate yourself.

No, this is not a restaurant. This is entirely different!

Thai Food from Isan

So the CC was treated to a restaurant that cooks food from the North-Eastern part of Thailand (Isan.) The food is closer to Laotian than to the more well-known Thai food (which stems mainly from the South.)

As you can guess from the geography, it's heavy on the freshwater fish and pork. Also, the heat quotient in true Thai style is very high.

The first dish is your traditional papaya salad but it has pickled crab in it. (If you squint, you can see the bluish crab sticking out on the right hand side.) The crab is intense! It has the consistency of jelly but it's like a concentrated sea-flavor which has absorbed the sweet-sour-salty dressing. Also, featured as a topping is fried crispy pig skin.

The second dish is fried catfish. The fish is cut into thin rounds, and fried in such a way that you can eat it bones and all. Quite delicious!

Som Tum Poo Plara
Pla Dook Pad Ped

Konkan Café

The CC normally never endorses restaurants but has been known to make exceptions for exceptional ones (duh!)

This is one of them.

In Mumbai, in a tourist-encrusted corner, a man (Ananda Solomon) is trying to make classically home-down cuisine from the coastal regions of Maharashtra.

He has women (yes, women - there are no males traditionally!) come in every morning to grind the spices the ol'-fashioned way using a mortar and pestle.

The results speak for themselves.

Is it expensive? Yes, it is. But attention to detail always is.

The CC (who's a cheapskate at heart) will happily pay out for a meal of this anal-retentive detail every single time!

Yes, this is seafood-oriented (as a true coastal cuisine would be) but if you are vegetarian, just tell the chef to make whatever pleases him, and he will deliver. The coastal regions have vegetarian traditions too. This is India where every goddamn place has a "traditional" vegetarian tradition!!!

(There were a buncha Gujarati losers on the adjacent table who made their way into one of the great restaurants of all time, and ordered mundane crap. It was extraordinarily painful to watch. These money-grubbin' ass-monkeys were, quite literally, not aware of their own culture. The chef, who attended them personally, was a masterpiece of Japanese emotion — inwardly seething while outwardly polite.)

On a more positive note, the squid was ethereal, and the dessert (jackfruit, not very sweet) was so divine that the CC who normally doesn't like dessert would eat it by the bucketful.

This is the food that gods themselves would desire!


banana flower fritters
sol kadhi

jackfruit in coconut milk
Konkan Café.
(Mumbai, India)

Latin-Asian Fusion

Normally, the CC is not big on the whole fusion thing but when done well, it can be amazing. This is at a restaurant near the CC's house.

Corn Soup
Seared Pepper-Tuna with Cilantro-Basmati, and Orange Dressing

Dinner at Mexican "Bistro"

The CC and a friend from out of town had dinner at a local spot. The friend was vegetarian so the CC ordered a compatible meal so the friend could try everything.

The friend was in raptures. The CC says "DUH!!!"

Butternut Squash Soup (with corn)
Huitlacoche Enchiladas
Gnocchi with Squash in a Saffron-Epazote Broth

Thai Tricks of the Trade

Salacious title but it refers to food, you perverts!

The CC was taken to a "home-style" Thai restaurant. This was extraordinarily good cooking. What an extraordinarily competent mom (not grandmom, mind you!) would make.

If this sounds like "damning by faint praise", rest assured, it's anything but. The CC has impossibly high standards, and this is quite excellent food.


What surprised the CC was how quickly they could tailor the recipe. The owner ("Charlie") would quickly gauge the heat quotient of the tables and either amp it up or down.

What was extraordinary was that they could tailor the heat using dry chillies or Thai green chillies, on demand (the two taste nothing like each other!)

This is almost impossible. There's gotta be a trick.

It took the CC a day to figure it out.

The clue was given by the friend who took the CC there. He remarked, while eating, that the heat seemed to be on the "surface" of the noodles -- an extraordinarily perceptive remark -- the significance of which the CC didn't quite latch on to for that night and the morning after.

DOH!!!!!!

It's an old Thai cooking trick. One of the oldest in the book.

In fact, the CC has used it here (in the first dish.)

Dry rice is roasted on a skillet and ground to a fine powder. You can mix it with anything. This powder is the glue of cooking. It will stick to anything that it comes in contact with. In fact, it's hard to get this powder to unstick!

This is precisely the trick they use to get water-based salad dressings to work!

Rice powder mixed with powdered chillies!

Pick a Lane, Any Lane!

One of the worst things that you can do is go to a restaurant that serves multiple unrelated cuisines - pan-Asian, Thai and Vietnamese, French and Thai, whatever. They tend to be confused in their menu trying to please a "generic" crowd. They are likely to serve lackluster meals or even outright garbage.

An exception could be made for French and Vietnamese on the grounds that the latter was a colony of the former for a while.

Of course, there's this particularly egregious specimen that simply makes the mind boggle!

The Conservativeness of Addiction

Ever go to a favorite restaurant and order the same thing every single time?

The CC is addicted to the pansoti at this particular restaurant. They are homemade ravioli stuffed with wild-greens (nettle, dandelion, borage, wild chard) and served with a garlicky, lip-smacking walnut sauce.

The rest of the menu is excellent but the CC succumbs to the inevitable every single time because you can't find this elsewhere.

This is a pattern. We stick to the familiar when we should really experiment. Particularly when we know that the quality of the product is likely to be amazing or even excellent.

Excellence breeds conservatism.

Especially when we don't get to the restaurant often or it's in a reasonably far-out place (read this post as to why that would happen.) We keep trying to recreate that first menu that blew our socks off when we really should be adventurous and try something else given that the absolute worst case is likely to be a "good" meal rather than an "amazing" meal.

The only logical explanation is when the restaurant is rather pricey in which case the CC supposes that people are justified in being somewhat conservative. Even then his inner instinct argues for the opposite fully well knowing that he doesn't exactly always follow his own dictum.

The only solution that the CC has come up with is to dictate by fiat that nobody (including himself) will be ordering an old dish, and if they want to they can sit at a different table. When forced to, the denizens of the world find a creative solution. It works via a radical upending of the social structure but it's not always possible.

Anybody have any interesting ideas on how to approach the problem a little more creatively?

Gaeng dtai plaa

Made with fermented fish innards (not kidneys as Pam states), the CC gorged on what is reputed to be one of the hottest Thai dishes.

The waitress opined, "You sure you want this? It's too hot for me."

It's filled with fresh peppercorns, gkapi, long beans, Thai eggplants, bamboo shoots, etc.

Well then, don't just sit there? Tell us how it tasted!

It fuckin' kicked ass is what it did! End of story.

Rules for Restaurants

Over the years, the CC has evolved a set of rules for selecting restaurants. Naturally, they are tuned to the CC's preferences, and if you don't like that, you can just go write your own blog (make sure you send the CC a link.)

The CC will state his biases up front.

The CC prefers "performance" over "flash 'n sizzle". He doesn't need white tablecloths and fancy interiors. He will happily eat at a rickety formica table as long as the food kicks ass. The memorability of the meal depends only on the food and the company.

The CC simply doesn't care about "service". Rarely does the CC ever go to a meal pressed for time, and he prefers that the meal unfold leisurely (how Italian!) If a dish takes an extra 30 minutes to make it better, so be it. The CC doesn't pack his social calendar tightly.

The CC also loves "authentic" food whatever the hell that word means. If authenticity is sacrificed to please the gringos or even the vegetables, the CC generally tends to get very upset.

The CC happily chows down all kinds of food. Pig skin, pickled jellyfish, grasshoppers, langoustine brains, horse tartare? No problem, bring them on. There are many rooms in the CC's house but a sensual enjoyment of food is a prerequisite.

The CC has only lived in urban locales so the rules are, to state it mildly, not applicable outside urban or semi-urban locales.

The CC is a "value" hound. This is a dispositional thing. There is nothing he can do about it. However, even if you're rolling in the benjamins, the rules below still apply.

The CC evolved some of these rules independently but Tyler Cowen (economist, GWU) did a better job of "systematizing" them than the CC's ad hoc heuristics so he happily acknowledges his debt.

Take a deep breath now. Here come the rules:

[1] Don't eat in "high rent" areas.

The reason for this rule should be obvious. The only restaurants that survive are expensive ones, or chains that can use the franchise to subsidize the rent. You are unlikely to eat a great meal at the latter, and the former you can get anywhere.

The corollary for those living in semi-urban places is go search for places in strip malls. Seriously. It's all about the rents.

Even in cities, this holds true. You can certainly eat very well on the main strip of Chicago's Chinatown but if you just pop around the corner to the completely non-descript strip mall barely two blocks away on the north-west side, then tucked in the back are some truly amazing restaurants.

In the Bay Area, the best "home-style" Japanese restaurant (not sushi) is in far-out non-descript mall. Similar for the Cambodian place (much mentioned on this blog.)

You'd never guess if you didn't understand the reason behind the general principle.

[2] Go eat where the "natives" eat.

This is equally obvious. Go where the immigrant population lives. The restaurants there know where to source the ingredients best. Also, the populace is pickiest about their own food, and they will whittle the restaurants down until the mediocre ones shut down.

Pure survivorship bias (as they taught you in statistics class) but here it works in your favor.

[1 & 2] Corollary: Be prepared to travel.

Equally obvious after the first two points. Rents are cheapest further away from the "center". Immigrants tend not to be the richest of the populace. Please note that we're talking about fairly modest amounts of travel here (urban, we're talking urban, here.)

In New York, that means heading to Queens. Flushing for regional Chinese; Woodside for Thai and Filipino; Jackson Heights for Indian; Elmhurst for Indonesian; Astoria for Greek and Egyptian.

Also, in Manhattan, Harlem for Ethiopian, Senegalese and Haitian; Spanish Harlem for Mexican; Curry Hill (Murray Hill) for Indian, etc.

In Chicago, this means heading to Lincoln Square for Thai, Argyle (near the lake) for Vietnamese, Pilsen for Mexican, Devon for Indian, Edgewater for Ethiopian.

[3] Talk to the owner.

After you listen to the first two suggestions, have a chat with the owner. Ask them what's best. They will tell you. Don't ask them what to get. They will water it down thinking you're a n00bie.

This is a subtle point.

The difference between asking "what's best" and "what to eat" is vast. The latter suggests cluelessness; the former hints towards connoisseurship.

The first time the CC went with his Chinese friend to a great Sichuan restaurant in Flushing, he told his friend to tell the waiter that if the food was "dumbed down", the CC would send it back until they got it right. Unsurprisingly, they got it right. Not only that, the CC's presumptuousness got him major brownie points with the staff.

Everyone loves an appreciative audience. They will come out and chat with you, and tell you what to get. They will insist on packing you stuff to take home. They will also remember the "strange arrogant" Indian who insisted on the real deal.

Even better, if you are into cooking, ask them where they source the ingredients. They will tell you about the strangest grocery places that you would never ever have figured out on your own.

Be bold. Language holds no barriers for a love of food. The CC has chatted with Italians who barely speak English, and Vietnamese who can only manage a modicum of the language. None of this matters. They will be thrilled to chat.

[4] Be a repeat customer, and vary what you order.

This goes hand in hand with the above rule. Ask them what's good today, and be prepared to try something new.

Also, tip handsomely if you like the meal. These places survive on the barest of margins so consider this a form of "enlightened self-interest". You are ill-served if the best places shut down due to a lack of patronage.

[5] Scour the net.

In the good ol' days of blogging and forums, talk to others who are as enthusiastic about these things as you. They will tell you where to go, and you will find new stuff (most likely they will tell you the same things listed above but they will name specific names.)

Even if you are in a strange town, and forced to pick a restaurant with virtually no data at all, these rules will tip the balance in your favor. Seldom will you get a totally mediocre meal.

Happy noshing!

The Food Business in America

While walking towards a Midtown Indian takeout (Kati Roll), the CC tried to pre-order using his cellphone:

CC: I'd like ...
Her: Sir, we'd need your number. Please may we have it.

(The CC tried to give his number. She's clueless.)

Her: ...
CC: I'll be there in less than 5 minutes. You won't lose any money.
Her: ...
CC: Just take down the damned order. I'm walking there.

(She takes the order.)

When the CC gets there, he watches the boss berate her for not understanding "anything".

SUCCESS!!!

Transforming the Indians into capitalists. One storefront at a time; it's your own friendly neighborhood CrazyChef.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Noo Yawk, Noo Yawk

Every time you get fed up of this city, it reminds you why you are here one more time.


The CC has just spent the evening with a friend at an absurdly brilliant Mediterranean restaurant.

Right when he was leaving, he chatted with the owner (Bulgarian, if you're curious) who was so happy to talk about food that he not only plied the CC with enough alcohol to set him alight but sent him home staggering loaded with delicacies, and shook his drunken hand at the end of the night.

New York, New York, what else is there?

Per Se

Per Se reminds the CC of why he doesn't go out to eat in the "white tablecloth" restaurants.

Pitch perfect food but emotionally frigid.

The CC assumes readers have heard of the above restaurant and Thomas Keller. There was a 9-course menu, etc. and it was excellent. However, it was the equivalent of dancing with someone who spends all their time more concerned about their hair not falling out of place than having a good time.

The CC will also note the nosebleed borderline-larcenious prices.

Mr. Keller should note that at those prices errors are not forgiven. A waiter trying to take away a course before the diner has finished not once but four times is clearly not acceptable particularly when the restaurant is 60% empty for "second seating" on a Saturday!

Leaning over to refill water and coffee in front of the diner while he/she is speaking is pretty much a no-no straight out of the Culinary School 101. That it happened repeatedly is simply unforgivable.

The idea isn't that Mr. Keller isn't brilliant (he is, and the CC is competely and utterly in awe!) It's that now that "sous vide" and "shaved salt" has spread far and wide into the repertoire of the average talented culinary student, and that Mr. Keller's discoveries are accessible to the average homecook, he needs to amp up his game, or drop the prices (or both.)

Let's turn to some current pop songs to finish the review.

Is the CC sorry he went?

Non, je ne regrette rien!

Would the CC go again?

Don't take me back to Per Se, no, No, NO!

Pun-tastic

Last one is the CC's personal favorite. Great food in the Village too!

Anyone want to add to the list?

Malaysian Fast Food

What better way to welcome a New Year than Malaysian fast food featuring "fried jellyfish"?

It's called pasembur, and being a street dish, the CC is sure it has myriads of incarnations. This rendition featured the afore-mentioned jellyfish, tofu, hard-boiled eggs, bean sprouts, cucumber, and turnips in delicious sweet-salty sauce.

The CC also ate asam laksa which is definitely not for the faint of heart. Features noodles in a tamarind broth heavily laden with shrimp paste. Definitely an acquired taste but then what interesting food isn't?

An exotic farewell to the previous year, and a scrumpalicious beginning to the present!

The "Right" Restaurants

Well, the CC hied himself to one of his favorite restaurants in the Bay Area, a hole-in-the-wall. We've already heard about this in an earlier entry.

The owner (who's also the server) has the right attitude to food. When he goes on vacation, the place shuts down. If he thinks something is better, he tells you that you should change your order (which brings the CC to question why the original item is on the order but let's not get too analytical about these things.)

The absence of a certain I-wont-eat-pork-or-chicken-ista provided the rare indulgence of a feast of flesh. We had catfish (amok), beef, and catfish topped with shredded chicken.

The CC was told in no uncertain terms that he should upgrade to a different catfish dish from the one he ordered, and the CC did so unhesitatingly. Only the need to look dignified stopped the CC from licking the plate clean of the wondrous lemongrass sauce.

Gelato outside Italy

This blog has never done an endorsement but the CC is going to make an extreme exception for this company.

They make, hands down, the best gelatos and granitas the CC has eaten either inside or outside Italy, and this Italian boutique just opened a chain up the street from the CC.

Yes, it's super pricy (but cheaper than a flight to Italy,) and it's packed with a line of yuppies out the door (but you get the same yuppies in Milan!)

They are called GROM.

Pepe's (in New Haven)

The original "New Haven" pizza with a coal-fired oven!

The CC (and his friends) had a clam pizza, and the crust is absolutely divine. For once, reality lives up to the hype.

Better believe it!

Sichuan Food

Last night, the CC had dinner at the most amazing Sichuan restaurant. They were told not to dumb down the food for the foreigner (the CC was the only non-Chinese person at the restaurant) but they did a slight dumbdown anyway. Oh well!

Vegetarians definitely need not apply here (or in general, for traditional Chinese food.)

For cold appetizers (traditional), we had seaweed, jellyfish and pig skin (three dishes.)

For the main course, we had carp.

Harlem Renaissance

Who would've guessed, say a few years ago, that Harlem would turn into a foodie powerhouse?

In hindsight (always a dangerous game,) it's not unreasonable.

Over the last few weeks, I've been to two amazing places in Harlem, one Haitian, and the other Ethiopian. There's also the French-Senegalese place that I can't sing enough praises of (and which the CC has dragged people to over their objections -- you know exactly who you are, and you were wrong, and the CC was right, and that's all that counts in the end!)

Think of this blog entry as a "teaser trailer". Call me if you actually want to go to these places.

You know you want it!